I’m asked the same questions over and over again, so I thought it might be a good idea to just put some common answers all in one place for those that are just starting out and confused, or need some help figuring out where to start.
Do you tell single people that you’re in an open marriage?
Yes we always put it up front and out there as soon as possible in conversation. We also wear our wedding rings all the time (sometimes if there’s been too much alcohol I’ve been known to switch my wedding ring to the other hand if I’m on the hunt hah). It takes the fun away from getting to know someone if it’s not based on honesty up front.
How do I find support groups or other like minded people in my area?
I’d suggest looking on meetup.com as they have a lot of different meetings going on in areas. I’d scout out the swinger groups to and see if any of them know of any alternative relationship spots in your area. I’d check Craigslist. I’d also look in your local paper that has all the local ads for your area. Not the paper that you subscribe to and get every day but the one you can pick up in a restaurant or bar etc. I’m currently working on putting together resources for the states, but it’s going to take a little while. If you know of a support group in your area please, please, please leave a comment with a link to it and I’ll include it.
What safety measures do you use?
My husband and I have a very clear rule that safety is first in all regards. Especially sexually. I think since I’m a sex educator I am more paranoid than the average person about getting an STI. After you’ve seen a picture of herpes it kind of makes it hard to not worry about it. However, on the plus side I know what to look for. I also will stay away from having sex with anyone I know is out bed hopping with no regard. Even if I have all the safety in the world avoiding the people who don’t take safety issues as important as I do is something I’m very concious about. Start by discussing this with your partner. Do you want to just require condoms during sex? Do you want to require condoms and dental dams for oral sex? Are you and your partner both educated about all of the risks you can contract from intimacy? I’d recommend wandering in to your closest Planned Parenthood and get some information about STI’s. I’d also recommend talking to your doctor about the HPV vaccination if you believe in vaccinations. And yes, I’ve been vaccinated for it. We are both also fixed so that between the condom and our sterilization we have no chance of getting pregnant.
As far as safety in a general sense for dates. Do you need your partner to check in with you when they arrive at their destination? Do you want to set a specific time that you have to call the other back in case they are trying to reach you while on a date? My husband and I have a 30 minute rule where the message needs to be returned in 30 minutes. My husband never follows it, so good luck with that ladies. The men are incapable of using their cell phones for the intended purpose of being reachable. You can also use Google Maps on your phone and it has a latitude feature where you can both see where each other are whenever you need to find someone. I check in on Foursquare all the time so he knows where I’m hopping around to if he needs it. I don’t think he ever has used that feature. Do you need to check in if you’re going to spend the night? Are you allowed to spend the night? Is there a certain time you have to be home by each evening?
How do you meet people who are polyamorous or in an open marriage?
I use okcupid, swinglifestyle, adultfriendfinder, plentyoffish, and some times craigslist (I’ve met my two serious relationships from here). I mostly stick to the sites that have an alternate setting for the relationship status. There is a polyamorous website to help people find others, but it hardly has anyone in my area so I never really use it. It’s slowly growing however, so I’m hoping in time it becomes a good resource for the poly community. One thing you have to understand is that it’s not really as easy as you think. Most people think it’s super simple for women to find a man. Sure we have more available to us, but that doesn’t mean they’re decent. Quantity doesn’t always mean quality. And some people get really frustrated it doesn’t happen right away. I’ve been in an open marriage for 5 years and had 2 serious relationships. it’s not a fast process. Don’t get your hopes up.
How do you develop rules for your open marriage?
We started with a very long list of open marriage rules, but as time has come along they have gone away and we now just have a basic understanding of trust and safety. Here were our open marriage rules at the beginning:
- Nobody in our bed
- Nobody in our home
- Answer your phone when the other calls
- Wear your wedding ring always
- Nobody meets the kids
- Just sex. No relationships or emotional attachments
- No spending the night
Ok that’s all I can remember. Now we just make sure that we communicate through our BlackBerry calendars when one is going out, and we have a general respect enough for each other to let the other know when we’re spending the night or going to be late. And we have a basic understanding of being safe with our partners.
What do you tell your children about your open marriage?
As our children have aged the responses we give them have changed of course. When they were younger we’d always tell them we were going to work when we were going out. As they got old enough to understand we didn’t want them resenting our work because it always took us away from the home. Now we tell them we are going out with friends. They don’t need to know which friend, but this way they know it’s a social outing instead of a work outing. My son is 10 and he has started to ask questions about relationships in general and I answer with the intent of teaching him that it’s ok to have a relationship that isn’t the average relationship, however if he wants an average relationship that’s ok too. I talk to them the same way any parent would if they want to teach their children something. I compare it to trying to teach your children about same sex relationships. How would you teach your children about that? You’ll notice as they get older your answers change. A five year old doesn’t need to know that blow jobs are involved as sex, but as that five year old ages and start to inquire more your answers change to using protection for blow jobs. We used to allow our relationships to meet the children, after speaking with a sex therapist we learned that wasn’t a good idea until they were old enough to understand. If we called them our friends and the children caught on to the obvious romantic chemistry they would start to equate friends=romance and it may be hard for them to separate the two when they get older and start making friends and being in relationships. If you’re having a hard time learning how to address this topic with your children I would highly recommend seeking out a sex therapist in your area and getting some advice.
One other thing we noticed is that our children started developing relationships with people we brought around a lot and since some of them don’t become a permanent fixture in our lives I found they would have a hard time with them disappearing and this disturbed me. So we no longer have them meet any of the people we date.
Do you tell your family?
Not outright, no. I’m sure they’ve figured it out from Facebook and the sorts, but we have never had the discussion with them. We don’t get along with our families so it isn’t something that I worry about. If they asked I would have no problem explaining our relationship dynamics and hoping they would understand. If they didn’t accept it, that’s their choice, but I have no reason to hide something I’m proud of. I hide this blog because it gives intimate details of my sex and I really don’t need my mother seeing me talk about how I give the most awesome blow jobs ever 
Do you talk about it at work?
Well I used to not share it. I recently did an interview for a local magazine and decided that I didn’t know who cared. In my work it was easily accepted. My husband doesn’t advertise it at his office job. No need to. He used to date people at his work and we decided that wasn’t a good idea, so people that he becomes close friends with and ask he will tell, however if they don’t ask he doesn’t see the need to share that.
Do you let people in to your marital bed?
It’s a bed. It’s not a temple of worship. Yes, we have sex with other people in our bed. It’s an object designed for you to lay in. That’s it to us. And we use it for its purpose over and over and over. I do however change the sheets if someone other than my husband has been in them, and I change them before anyone comes over as well just out of respect for the cootie issue. How hot would that be finding someone else’s hair in your spot? Maybe nobody else would mind that, but I have cootie issues.
Are you seen out in public with your dates?
Yes. I do try to keep the public displays of affection to a minimum in my town because it’s very small. I could be having dinner with my cousin for all anyone knows. When we aren’t in our town it’s fair game.
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