Where’d you go?!

Posted on December 9, 2011 by

Friend of mine asked me what happened to my blogging and I realized it had been a super long time since I said anything here; so let’s do a review.

Husband: we had a big discussion about how I’ve become unattracted to him now that I’ve got a new outlook on life with a healthier way of life, a smaller body, and a desire to do more with our lives. He’s content with the way things are, and finds a lot of joy in playing his World of Warcraft game. He is an overweight man, and explained that he’s always been that way and it’s probably not going to change, but he understands how things may look differently to me now. Only because I know it’s possible to change things if you really want to and it’s unattractive that he doesn’t really want to. He still loves the open marriage, but feels as if I don’t show him the same attention and effort as I do the people I’m dating. I’m not sure that I can give that. We’ve grown apart. We don’t sleep together, we don’t do much together, and I’m trying to work on it. Is there hope? Sure, of course. We’re working on it. He wrote me an email one morning telling me he adored me, and not to forget that I have a good family, and he would still be here when we work through things and I figure out how to fix things with us on my end. I can’t figure that out, until I figure me out.

Me: My drinking got out of control. I’m in a reduction program now, where they aren’t taking away my ability to go out and have a good time once in a while, but learning how to not drink so much when I’m out that I don’t remember the evening. I was starting to get some severe heartburn and none of my pills were working and I didn’t realize that me drinking would knock those out of my system, so I am working on that. This week I’m trying to not keep it in the house as I have a habit of heading home after a stressful day and drinking until I’m ready to go to bed. That’s my project recently is to just not drink at home, and let myself reduce when I’m out. We’ll see how that goes.

School: I hate it. It’s not going to work for me. The therapist thinks that I signed up for too much too fast since I started a new job at the same time that I started working, and started the relationship with The Indian. So that’s on hold now. I hate it. I don’t want to have to go back. Ever.

Kids: I’m having a hard time connecting with them right now while I was busy drinking it up and being selfish, so I’m trying to work my way back in there. I know there’s been some strain in our relationships so I got my daughter in to therapy, and my son is next. I am concerned that my actions may be having an adverse affect on them, so I’m working super hard to get my actions under control. They’re good kids; they’ve been very patient through it all. My son made academic excellence and my daughter excelled in all of her classes. I’m pretty proud of the both of them.

Work: My work is just that. Work. It gets the job done of keeping me busy during the day, but it’s boring.

Open Marriage: I’m in a relationship with The Indian. It’s been 4 months now I think. He’s wonderful. He’s about to meet my husband tomorrow, so I’m anxious to see how that goes. Besides my husband, this guy is the kindest man I have ever met. He has a beautiful soul, and his outlook on life is refreshing and awesome to see. He’s a breath of fresh air and his motto of it’s only one life is part of why I’m working on getting back on track. He’s inspiring in all of the things he’s done in his life. We argue here and there, and he’s definitely high maintenance compared to what I’m used to; so for now it’s a good time, and he’s wonderful to spend time with. What’s in store? Who knows.

I officially lost 55 pounds so I went out and got my nose pierced as my reward. I’m lookin pretty hot if I do say so myself. Still have some body issues though, so it’s a bit ironic lol I’m paying more attention to how I dress and things now that I look better. That’s mostly The Indian’s doing. He’s metrosexual and loves to help me in the fashion department. It’s cute. When we’re out shopping for shoes he even gets on his knees to put them on. It’s cute.

Sex. Just sleeping with The Indian. We have amazing sex. It’s deep, connecting sex emotionally and that’s something I’m not used to. I’m used to just getting it in and being done with it. There’s something strong between the two of us when we have sex. I love our sex.

I’ve been a little ashamed to put out there to everyone how things are going at home as I’m not proud of my behavior lately, and so finally I’m coming to terms with it. Slowly but surely…..getting there.

Posted in Family, Losing weight, Mr. India, My children, Open Marriage Problems, Reflection, So I started therapy, The change, Who I am | 3 Comments

Grocery shopping

Posted on November 4, 2011 by

Everyone dreads it. I finally found a way to make it enjoyable. The man with the big hands. I’ve been on about 4 dates with this dude. He’s pretty tall and I love it, however I can’t tell if he’s cheating or not so until I do I’m not sleeping with him. He went grocery shopping with me. What man does that who isn’t being drug along by a wife? It was so fun too. He’s a fun guy. I wish I could figure it out though as he’s hot. Tall mother fucker too. Take a peek at our difference in hands

He’s a fun guy, but there’s just something off that keeps me from letting it go any further. I also am having some moral dilemmas about sleeping with him because things with the Indian have gone pretty well and I have a really strong bond with him and it is making random sex look less attractive. I need some sex though. It’s been 8 days. However big hands doesn’t allow women at his house and he showed me a video of his house for me to see this dog and when he spanned the room I noticed candles on the wall even though he said he lives with male roommates. It doesn’t add up. No pussy until it adds up. No matter how hard he tries. He keeps saying that he can handle no sex, he just enjoys my company as friends. He’s also a bit of a pot head but he’s a nice man. We’ll see. I appear to be an equal opportunity whore. I think I need a medal or something for experiencing different cultural dating lol

Starting to pick up a little bit from the depression I was in. Staying away from the liquor so I can let my meds kick back in so it can help me with the crash I hit due to the Lamictal not working as well for the bi polar. We’ll see how it goes. xo

Posted in Dates, Mr. India | 1 Comment

A little bit of Diva

Posted on October 31, 2011 by

In my downward spiral of blahness I went out with a friend of mine on Saturday night. I couldn’t handle sitting at home anymore. I can’t do it. I just can’t sit and be still and watch tv. So as soon as she invited me out I was up and out the door in no time flat and suddenly in a much better mood…..hello bi-polar ;)

We went bar hopping in her town, which is very dull and boring. The bars were full of Halloween shit and I hate Halloween so we just kept going until we found one that was suitable to my man scoping skills. And voila I bagged one. It’s kind of like fishing. I know the spots, I know the bait, and I know how to reel them in. However sometimes when the line comes in, it’s not quite what you expected. It was close to bar close. I had a driver. He offered me Coors Light. What else was there to say? Did I mention he was 25 and cute as hell?

Walked in the door and ooooooh look he lives with his mom. Too drunk to care at this point. Wander downstairs to play some pool. On our way to the bedroom I can’t help but get severely turned off by the flowers and pictures of grandkids and flowered furniture and curtains. Yeah. I wasn’t going to put out. I let him make out with me until i couldn’t handle the smell of the Jack Daniels on his breath anymore and then I claimed sickness and passed out. To be awoken by his masturbation and condoms hanging when I quickly turned that away he threw the condom on the floor and then waited a few minutes and tried again. I said he had no condoms and he quickly hopped off the bed and started to put the one from the floor back on. Oh yeah. That screams fuck me. I passed out, I guess he passed out. I woke up and he was all up trying to stick his cock in my ass crack to dry hump me through my underwear. Still smelled like Jack Daniels. Not happening. Totally not in the mood now that I can see more mom by the day of light.

So he yanked it. All the while telling me how mean I am and how this is just awful for his birthday and how do I not come with condoms if I’m a sex educator? Well my purse was at my friend’s house, but I had some in my bra. I mean come on. If you’re willing to pick one up off the floor and put it on, and then proceed to try and convince me we don’t need one when I went ewwww. Chances of you being safe elsewhere are slim to none. Vagina is closed for business. Called my friend. She picked me up. I went home. Yeah. Don’t miss that.

Posted in Safe sex, Sex | Tagged , | 4 Comments

Mom role

Posted on October 22, 2011 by

I think some of my funk lately is in association to my kids and me working. I used to never mind that they did their own thing and I was starting to not be cool, but now that I’m working and I’m not here every day when they walk in the door, it makes me wonder at what point it went from me being home every minute changing their diapers, and to now I’m no longer cool to hang out with.

Through some friends they both started to like wrestling. Much to my dismay. Ugh. My son has joined a program that takes him away on the weekends here and there to enhance the brilliant mind he’s been blooming. My daughter just wants to go here, there, and everywhere when she’s home. I’m only needed to feed them, cloth them, make sure field trip forms are signed, teeth are brushed, underwear are changed, showers are taken, and their clothes clean. What the fuck?!

I was having some extreme guilt the last few weeks because I’ve been gone so much. Between my studies, and working over time, and then finding some time to also see the Indian I was kind of running around with mass chaos and trying to get everything done. So I’ve been hunkering down at home to be here, and shit they don’t want me for anything but mom shit lol. I play some Uno and they’re done with me after, I play some Wii Bowling and they’re done with me after. My husband says the same thing happens when he’s here with them. So I took them all out to dinner the other night and we had our bi weekly family meeting and they didn’t even have anything to complain about. What the fuck?!

This last week I worked more hours in a week than I have since I was like 21. Fitting in the homework in there, I didn’t have much of a chance to see the Indian so my husband was a super help with things around the house. It’s almost like our roles have reserved and now it’s my turn to seek out my role in life that goes beyond a mom. I’ve been a mom for 11 years. I’m not sure how to do that.

I got a grey hair. I think it’s because my kids don’t need me as much anymore unless they need a ride somewhere, clean clothes, or food. It kind of sucks. I spent 11 years being at their side every minute because they needed me for everything. Now I’m not my husband and I aren’t even cool enough to rank above WWE on tv. I can’t believe they like that shit. I’m all about supporting their interests but there isn’t a chance in hell I’m sitting down to watch that crap. As soon as a UFC fight comes my way I’m totally hauling them to that so they can see the real thing.

I wonder what I call myself now that I’m not a stay at home mom/homemaker anymore? I think the word Taxi works just fine.

Posted in My children | Leave a comment